Lost

Sometimes I ask myself why, or why not. Sometimes I retrace my steps, just to think what I've thrown and what I've got. What I've risked, and what I've lost. Was my naive thinking going to pummel me into a rainbow of peace, or was it just pulling me into a string of endless questions of what ifs and what should have been?

Is my anger going to get the better of me, or am I just to prideful to let myself be open. I've built this fence around me. It's growing taller and thicker. Yet, there are cracks here and there, peaking out of the thick cold bricks, letting the eyes of human warmth lay still for a moment, as it pries its sight into my surroundings.

I am afraid.

For once, I feel so vulnerable. This vulnerability is slowly but steadily forming over a painful reality. The bite I wish would bite, never did. Then I begin to question, is it right, that those unkind beings get away with everything? Or is it just me, who wants them to be bitten. I said once to a friend, "Have you ever wanted to push this big bully on the ground, just make him fall down, shock him, jolt him?" I have.

I want to hold onto my faiths, but every once in a while, a moon of pain and questions sweep over me. I find it so hard. How can I be so blind, and then realize so well the truth? If it is the truth, then why can't the world see it too? Why can't they just open their big bold and daring eyes, and see.

I feel like a victim.

Sometimes, I'm manipulated into thinking that I'll have that one person behind my back, so that when I stand up against my giants, I'd have a backing. That, never happened, never will. I always get thumbed down, and find that my backing, has scootered over to the other side of the wall. I am cornered, not by people, but by circumstances. I want to realize the past so that it would be forever, but the past is the past, and no amount of moping would do anything.

I just wish they'd see.

Maybe I am a terribly ugly person inside. Selfish, cold, dark. Maybe I would never know who I really am, until I'm tested against those trials. Maybe I would be devious. Maybe, Maybe Maybe, I'm just really lost.

I'm afraid, that as simple as I wish things would be, it really isn't. I want to tear at my insides, because,  I honestly don't think I am that much of a complex person, but everything that has come across my path has led me to be as such, and that, honestly, sucks.

Nostalgia isn't so simply put as reminiscing, it is actually pain, because just at the last second, before your reminiscing ends, there's this glimmer of hope, a spark of eternal fire that feels right. Then, in a split second, you feel the warm air that is no longer your reminiscence, you feel the cold stares, that are no longer light hearted gleams.

Suddenly I realize, I don't have anything in common with anyone, and I don't know why.

I'm only fooling myself with the constant get ups and false fronts. I don't even know who I am, what right do I have to tell others who they should be? What right does anyone have to tell me what I did was wrong? When will I know and finally understand how things work and how paths collide, and why on earth they separate soon after.

I feel so paranoid.
Why do I feel the need to prove I'm right??

Why am I writing this late.


Goodnight self, its 2am. Just so you remember how long nostalgia can keep you awake for.